A lawyer is a person who knows very little about many things and keeps

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A Lawyer is a person who knows very little about many things and keeps

learning less and less about more and more until he knows practically
nothing about everything.

A Judge on the other hand knows a great deal about very little and who goes

along learning more and more about less and less, until finally he knows
practically everything about nothing.

A Chief Justice starts out knowing practically everything, but ends up

knowing nothing about anything, due to his association with Lawyers and


A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in
the garden shed - she could see it from the bedroom window.  But he said
that he hadn't been in the shed that day.  He looked himself, and there
were people in the shed, stealing things.

He rang the police, but they told him that no one was in his area, so no

one was available to catch the thieves.  He said OK, hung up, counted
to 30 and rang the police again.

"Hello.  I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my

shed?  Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them

Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an

Armed Response unit, the works.  Of course, they caught the burglars
red-handed.  One of the policeman said to this man, "I thought you said
you'd shot them!"
He replied, "I thought you said there were no cops available!"

Het formule 1 team van Ferrari heeft de gehele Pit-crew

ontslagen en heeft een groep werkloze Antilliaanse jongeren
aangenomen uit Amsterdam.
Deze beslissing nam het team na het zien van een documentaire
van werkloze jongeren in Amsterdam die binnen 4 seconden de
wielen onder een auto konden halen zonder het juiste gereedschap.

Ferrari meende een tactische zet te doen, aangezien de meeste

races worden gewonnen en verloren in de pits.

Ondanks deze zet ontdekte het team toch een probleem:

de jongeren verwisselden niet alleen de wielen in minder dan 4
seconden, tevens zagen zij de kans om in minder dan 10 seconden
de auto opnieuw te spuiten en te verkopen aan het Mclaren team.


A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several

months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came

out of a coma again, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all

through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there. When I got

shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me

support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You

know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."


Lena folded and put away Ole's underwear.  Ole took out a pair the next

morning and noticed there was powder all over the crotch area.

He started to shake the powder out and said, "Darn it Lena, I wish you

wouldn't put so much talcum powder in my underwear!"

Lena replied, "  Dat's not talcum powder Ole-Dat's miracle grow.

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Milwaukee.
Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says
 "Old Timer's Bar " ..." ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS !".
They look at each other, then go in.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on

in and let me pour one for you, what'll it be, Gentlemen?"

There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a

martini. In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis -- and
says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."

They can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again

saying, "That's 40 more cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than  they can stand.
They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the

bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a
dime apiece?"
"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn, and I always
wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor,
beer, all the same."

"Wow. That's quite a story" says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice
three other guys at the end of the bar
who didn't have a drink in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything
the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar  without drinks and

asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're from Florida, they're waiting for happy hour."

Not that you need this but just in case you know some older folks who


Exercise for Seniors

For those who are getting along in years, here is a little secret for
building arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen!
 Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of

room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your
arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you
can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you'll find that
you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks and then 50-lb. potato

sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato
sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of

potatoes in each of the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.

An Army chaplain, walking through a notorious section of town, saw a

soldier exiting a known house of prostitution. The soldier paused on the
sidewalk and gestured with his right hand in a manner familiar to the
good Catholic chaplain.

The chaplain promptly approached the errant soldier, saying, "I'm sorry

to see a good Catholic lad like you, coming out of a place like that."

"Well, padre, I'm not Catholic," answered the GI.

"But I clearly saw you cross yourself as you came out of there."

"No - but when I come out of a place like that, I always check four

things: My spectacles, my testicles, my watch and my wallet."



Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled

through snow.

In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats.

As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.

One cat just leads to another.

Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you

Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many

ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.


Een afschuwelijk ongeval op de golfbaan. Een man slaat af, de bal schengt en raakt zijn echtgenote vol op het hoofd. Dood.
De officier van justitie heeft geluiden opgevangen over een ernstig verstoorde relatie tussen die twee en vermoedt opzet. Hij gelast lijkschouwing. De patholoog-anatoom onderzoekt het lichaam. De verwonding aan de schedel is snel geconstateerd. Bij nader onderzoek vindt hij echter ook een golfbal in de anus. Daarmee geconfronteerd verklaart de verdachte: dat is mijn provisional.

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